Bittles‘ Magazin | See the future!
Now that we have taken those first tentative steps into 2014 it is hard not to want to curl up into a ball ranting incoherently at the worry of what the new year will bring. Usually, I understandably, drown myself in a year’s supply of whisky just to get through the months of January and February alone. By JOHN BITTLES
Once the entire supply is downed I tend to find that I can’t remember what year it is anyway and the crisis is averted for another year.
This might not be for you though! Whisky is expensive, and if you aren’t Irish then people may suspect you of being an alcoholic, if you consume this much hard spirits in such a short period of time. A much better way to survive this trying stretch is to arm yourself against the unknown with interesting yet useful facts and figures. Hence this rather wittily compiled list of musical predictions that will hopefully make you look towards these coming months with a sense of glee rather than horror and fear. Enjoy!
A Goth revival will occur, which is great news since I look pretty awesome in black.
Kanye West will publish his very first book; The Bible – Part 2.
Spotify will start charging artists and record labels for featuring their music. Just because they can!
One of the albums of the year will be Laura Marling’s collaboration with Skrillex, unless that whole idea was just some gloriously disturbed dream I had after eating too much cheese.
Jools Holland will get so over-excited about some old blues player on his show that he’ll start dry humping his leg live on telly. The blues player will feel flattered, yet a little uncomfortable at the attention he receives.
Lo-Fi will go Hi-Fi.
Everybody will finally realise that all those Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke parodies are actually a bit shit meaning people like me will at last be able to tune into Youtube in peace!
Due to falling viewing figures the X Factor will feature only proper musicians performing self-written songs. The implosion of the audience will lead to the cancellation of the show. Its replacement Karaoke Roadshow will prove a huge success!
The new album by Sky Ferreira will see the return of ›Heroin Chic‹.
People reaching the age of 30 will stop listening to current music, complaining that most of it ›just sounds like noise‹.
The much-maligned folk revival will be over when Mumford & Sons return with a death metal album all about how much ›life fucking sucks, Man!‹.
Smoking at gigs will be re-legalised in order to bring back some atmosphere. And who doesn’t miss the smoky vibe and lighters-aloft moments, eh?
The weekly top 10 single sales will simply be chosen by the top record company executives. Oh, wait, it already is!
Those people who first labelled the likes of Disclosure and Gorgon City as ’Deep House’ will be found and roughly slapped in the face to pay for their crimes.
The Cheeky Girls’ hotpants will make a musical comeback having fallen on hard times.
Damon Albarn will release a double album of him singing in the bath. Everyone will think it’s great!
Ambient house will have a revival! Because people like me will always need a good lie-down from time to time.
Oh and the likes of Temples, Sky Ferreira, Banks, Rosie Lowe, Helena Hauff, Shiny Darkly, Eyedress, Wolf Alice and Sohn will justify the hype from all the tastemakers with pleasing releases that will make the world feel like a better place.
And if none of this makes you feel better and want to give praise to God for creating the joys of music then I suggest you find yourself a cold, dank place in which to make your home for the year.
| JOHN BITTLES
